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The (NEW & IMPROVED) Joke Thread

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    Posted: 17 Apr 2008 at 11:26pm
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G.W. Bush

He's the biggest joke I've seen in decades!
One man gathers what another man spills
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Apr 2008 at 1:38am
 
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand
was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Barack Obama and his bid to be our
President.
The old rancher said,'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle'.'
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle'
was.
The old rancher said,'When you're driving down a country road and you come
across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.'
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to
explain.
'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he
doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just want to help the
dumb ass get down.'
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimmy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Apr 2008 at 3:21am
I wish Bush was a crushed turtle!
One man gathers what another man spills
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote FaithSF Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Apr 2008 at 3:39am
Originally posted by Jimmy Jimmy wrote:

G.W. Bush

He's the biggest joke I've seen in decades!


But he's a SICK joke! (And not funny, either.)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Apr 2008 at 1:12am
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part  died to day, and I am very sad.'



Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a
little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry , Mr. Wallace. Please
accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with
his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace ,' she said, 'You shouldn't be
walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you
yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said  Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it
hanging out of your pajamas?' 



'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote CatWoman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Apr 2008 at 4:24am
LOST IN THE DARNEDEST PLACES:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal
and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got
in the back-seat by mistake."
________________________________________________________________________

FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the
96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful,
knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's
at the door."
____________________________________________

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March
day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."   (Molson's????)
_______________________________________________________________________

LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the
soup."
_____________________________________________________________________

OLD FRIENDS:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to
play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
__________________________________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there' s a ca r going the wrong way on Interstate
77.
Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
_______________________________________________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the dashboard. As th ey were cruising along, they came to an
intersection.

The stoplight was red, but they just went on through The woman in the
passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn
we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to
another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
losing it.

She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light
was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and
said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a
row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Apr 2008 at 12:45am
A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked , "What's this, Paw?"The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw!"Embarrassed
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LOL1955 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Apr 2008 at 5:15am

WARNING!  RELIGIOUS CONTENT AHEAD.  PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.

One Sunday morning, a mother awoke, climbed the stairs to her son's room, and knocked on the door.

"Rise and shine, Son.  It's time to get ready for Mass."

There was no answer, so she knocked a little harder, and called a little louder.

"Come on, honey.  It's time to get up and go to Mass."

She still heard nothing.  This time she pounded the door with her fist, and shouted.

"Son, now get up.  We're going to be late for Mass."

A weak voice answered, "I'm not going."

"What do you mean, 'you're not going.'  You have to go to Mass."

"I'm not going, Ma.  Church is boring, the music's awful, and the preaching is worse."

The mother paused a moment, then said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, son, but you're the only priest in town, so you're going to Mass."

 

Love endures all.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Apr 2008 at 2:13pm
 
CHRISTMAS PARTY ANNOUNCEMENT

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2007

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

***************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,
from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung.

We will have other types of music. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

*****************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.

How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.  NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

*****************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2007
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower
arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: October 05, 2007

RE: The F****** Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!!  We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you  so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

*********************************************

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 06, 2007

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.  In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Apr 2008 at 1:45am
 
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife
"Ya know sumptin', womon, we have a wonderful new system at de Fire Station.
Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings, we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings, we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.
 
So from now on womon, when I say
'Bell one', I want you to strip naked. When I say
'Bell two', you jump on de bed. When I say
'Bell three', we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."
 
The next night he came home and shouted:
"Bell One!", and his wife stripped naked.
"Bell Two!", and she jumped on the bed.
"Bell Three!", and they started to make love.
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out
"Bell Four!". "WOMON... What da hell is 'Bell Four'?", he asked.
She replied "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DA FIRE!!!!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote CatWoman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Apr 2008 at 2:29am
A Fruitful Confession

Paddy goes to confession and says to the priest, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been three weeks since my last confession, and in that time I have committed the sin of adultery."

The priest says, "Was it with Brigitte O'Hara?"

Paddy says, "I'm sorry Father, but I can't tell you who it was with."

So the priest says, "I'll bet it was with Mary O'Houlihan, the hussy!"

Paddy says, "I'm sorry Father, but I really can't tell you who it was."

The priest says, "Was it that Rose O'Connell?"And Paddy responds, "I've told you already Father, I can't reveal who it was."

So the priest says, "You're a wicked man Paddy O'Reilly. Say six Hail Marys and don't let me hear that you've transgressed again!"

As he is walking home, Paddy bumps into his friend Seamus, who says, "Paddy! How are you doin'? Is it the Church you'll be coming from?"

And Paddy says, "Aye Seamus, I've just been to confession."

"How was it?"

Paddy says, "Oh not too bad, I got six Hail Marys and three good leads!"
 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Apr 2008 at 1:27am
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BB's in the other. He tripped and the BB's, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.

Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"

Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"

"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Apr 2008 at 2:16am
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked "How
many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each
one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get
you through intimacy".

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't
even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far
enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes".
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Apr 2008 at 1:45pm
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an
old buggy one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, ' My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied, ' Put them between your legs.
Your body heat will warm them up.'
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
' My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl replied, ' Put them between my legs.
The warmth of my body will warm them up.'
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
daughter. He said, ' My face is cold.'
The girl replied, ' Put it between my legs.
The warmth of my body will warm it up.'
 He did and warmed his face.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he
said, ' My penis is frozen stiff.'
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother
again, and she says to her mother, ' Have you ever heard of a penis?'
Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...! Why do you ask? '
The daughter replies:
' They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they? '
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ad nauseous Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Apr 2008 at 3:00pm
Okay this is a pretty lame one I came up with myself:

Question: Why do ancient Egyptians go crazy at sports games?

Answer: Because the spectators are screaming: "Ra Ra Ra!!!"

LOL
One good thing about TV-you could always turn it off
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Tut, Tut, Tut...
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Q:  What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
 
A:  Kinky, you use a feather. Perverted, you use the whole chicken.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Apr 2008 at 2:03am
Two old guys, one 84 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench

one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't
even short of breath.

The 84 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina
and asked him what he did to
have so much energy. The 87 year old said
"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It
keeps your energy level high and
you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 84
year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking
around, the lady asked if
he needed any help He said, "Do you have any rye
bread?" She said,
 
"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5
loaves. She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you
get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody
in the world knows about this sh*t
but me."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 May 2008 at 1:21am
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon



THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate



THINGS THAT ARE
DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 May 2008 at 1:04am
I tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal. BBQ flavor. the ****.

The can said they had 70 calories per serving, which meant the whole can had 490 calories inside total. I could munch through a can in a day with my lunch, dinner, etc. So I got several cans, and began enjoying one a day for the past four days. But what they dont ****ing tell you...

Except in tiny print you cant read without a ****ing electron microscope

...is that the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Ass Grease."

Oh Yeah. I'm not even kidding.

So today, while I'm standing in the living room debating whether or not Laundry or Dishes will get done first, I get the urge to fart. I live alone, so sweet. I let the honk loose and its wrong. Something just sounded wrong. I know my own wind, and I have never farted a sound that sounded like a fart wrapped in a pillow.

Oh yes, something was very wrong. I had just shat myself. But this evil olean makes sh*tting yourself sound almost like a regular fart, and had I not been particularly attentive, it could easily have gone unnoticed, I'm telling you. THAT's how utterly covert and evil this olean stuff is. What the ****?! What if I'd gone out to hang with friends or gone for a drive, what then?

So I walk carefully to the bathroom and disrobe. before I even sit on the toilet, I wad paper and carefully wipe from the front. Sure enough, it was light brown, and had the texture of soft spackle. You ****ing Pringle bastards.

I sat down and pushed a bit, and lo, out came a jet that I didnt even feel an urge for one minute earlier. It piled in the bowl like brown marshmallow fluff.

The problem rose when I tried to wipe. I went through a whole ****ing roll of TP and could not get it all off me. So.

I jumped in the shower. Yep, its gross, but it had to be done. There I stood, water pouring down, cheeks spread, and using my own hand to make certain I'm clean.

That was when I discovered that after using my hand to wipe myself (before I soaped the area) my hand came back covered in some sort of transparent grease. It was so ****ing foul. The grease made water bead off my hand. It was tacky too, and very difficult to manage.

So I grabbed the bar of soap and went to work.

You ****ing Pringle bastards.

The bar of soap came away coated in grease as well, and would no longer wash. I had to turn the water to hot and massage the soap for five minutes to get it to the point where I could use it again. It took me an hour to get the ****ing grease off my pucker. I shudder to think of what its doing INSIDE ME right now, but I will damned sure never eat that sh*t again.

****ing Pringle bastards.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Hootman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 May 2008 at 1:18am
Tiz,

No surprise that Proctor and Gamble make Pringles....

Their  headquarters are  in Cincy and you can smell them making those things for miles.

And thanks for all the "visuals".
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Hootman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 May 2008 at 12:37am
Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Skerlnik Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 May 2008 at 12:40am
Here's one that I made up when I was about six or seven:
 
Q: What snakes are installed on every car made in Transylvania?
 
A:  The Vindshield Vipers.
 
 
"Oh, bother", said Pooh, as he chambered another round...
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