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"...No Santa, NOOO!" / Bad XMAS Gifts

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Forum Name: Suggestions
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Printed Date: 12 Dec 2018 at 11:51am
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Topic: "...No Santa, NOOO!" / Bad XMAS Gifts
Posted By: PaWolf
Subject: "...No Santa, NOOO!" / Bad XMAS Gifts
Date Posted: 18 Dec 2017 at 2:11am
Confused...and you thought for certain you knew how to be a GOOD Santa.
No worries! Paw's here to SAAAAVE you from your very own bad ol'decisions with 'things NOT to give as gifts'.
How could or would *I* know what's bad for you, much less what's good?
Experience, dear minion - lots of experience and pain.
Then again - YOU may have some 'experiences & pains' that we all can learn from, so post your suggestions, too.
 
Fruit Cake. This crap should have died a horrible death long before your Great Grandmother was born, but it hid in the back of old grocers' shelves and refused to mold, only to re-appear during the holiday season.


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X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike



Replies:
Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 18 Dec 2017 at 2:15am
Evil SmileSometimes one will make choices to ensure 'mutual feelings' exist.
 


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X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: Jimbo
Date Posted: 18 Dec 2017 at 2:58am
I LOVE fruitcake!!!!

Especially with coffee!!!

If I got a bunch of fruitcake as a present, I would be happy with it!!!



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Great news guys.... With the Air Hawk, flat balls are no longer a problem!!!


Posted By: Jimbo
Date Posted: 18 Dec 2017 at 3:03am
Now this on the other hand....



...would be a crappy gift.


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Great news guys.... With the Air Hawk, flat balls are no longer a problem!!!


Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 18 Dec 2017 at 3:28am
Originally posted by Jimbo Jimbo wrote:

Now this on the other hand....



...would be a crappy gift.
LOL The Missus called those 'Jail Chips' because inmates could purchase them in the prison canteen, but not cook them. They would carefully smash the noodles to small pieces, then open one end of the bag, remove the 'flavor' pouch, open and pour back in, hold the bag closed and SHAKE!
I found I could have been a model inmate - I fell deeply in love with Jail Chips - especially if I had some hot sauce to sprinkle in before shaking.
Then the AfgyLad came home from war and immediately told me to STOP eating this stuff - he got to see some of the places where and how it was made. He says at LEAST WASH THE NOODLES IN WATER a few times to get all the animal & human urine and feces out of it...but sometimes I forget. Got three packages for a dollar earlier this evening. I remember when I used to get 6 for a dollar.
 
DeadAnd I still remember barfing fruitcake when I was something like 4 or 5 years old - just typing this I have bile coming up under my tongue and the very taste at the top of my esophagus...I'm about to puke a tiny bit in the back of my mouth...


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X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 19 Dec 2017 at 4:04pm
Paw XMAS gift tip of the day:
 
Never give cigarettes or toothpaste unless the person is in prison.


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X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 19 Dec 2017 at 4:23pm
ConfusedHere's a SERIOUS one, folks. 'Slackers Slackline'. Seems the lawyers are all asking Santa for new briefcases to hold all the wrongful death and serious injury cases to sprout by spring...yet, to tell you the truth? I LOVE this thing and would sensibly set one up in the back yard, if I had any more spermmistakes....
http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjN1o3HvpbYAhVjhOAKHZkJAjMQjRwIBw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.ems.com%2Fslackers-slackline-50-wave-walker-kit%2F1319503.html&psig=AOvVaw1EuFnXDPkdWrtI2OXYdX_Z&ust=1513787016320823" rel="nofollow">Image result for slackers slackline photos For the interested, look this thing up - there are assorted versions and applications.


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X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: Jimbo
Date Posted: 19 Dec 2017 at 4:27pm
Originally posted by PaWolf PaWolf wrote:

Paw XMAS gift tip of the day:

Never give cigarettes or toothpaste unless the person is in prison.



My mom used to buy my bil and me each a couple of cartons of smokes for Christmas every year.

I had to get her to stop getting them for me because my smoking dropped off to the point where I wasn't smoking two carton's a year.

For awhile there, I had about four or five carton's of cigs in the bottom drawer of my refrigerator. Ended up selling a couple of them to a friend.

Still have half a carton of unopened packs that have been in there for well over a decade.

Will I smoke them someday?

I might.


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Great news guys.... With the Air Hawk, flat balls are no longer a problem!!!


Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 20 Dec 2017 at 4:03am
http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/136/912/2ee.jpg" rel="nofollow">unicorn Meat

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X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 20 Dec 2017 at 4:06am


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X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: Donathan
Date Posted: 20 Dec 2017 at 6:43am
Originally posted by PaWolf PaWolf wrote:


Confused...and you thought for certain you knew how to be a GOOD Santa.
No worries! Paw's here to SAAAAVE you from your very own bad ol'decisions with 'things NOT to give as gifts'.
How could or would *I* know what's bad for you, much less what's good?
Experience, dear minion - lots of experience and pain.
Then again - YOU may have some 'experiences & pains' that we all can learn from, so post your suggestions, too.
 
Fruit Cake. This crap should have died a horrible death long before your Great Grandmother was born, but it hid in the back of old grocers' shelves and refused to mold, only to re-appear during the holiday season.



Actually, Panettone is a sort of fruit cake(Except it looks and tastes like a big muffin) and it is VERY popular in the Hispanic/ Latin community. The chocolate version is aptly named, "Chocottone," ;) My Walgreen's customers LOVE it. I sell loads of them in the holiday season and on the boxes themselves they have fans gushing about Panettone saying stuff like,"It's like a delicious big muffin! "Heaven with coffee!" Milk's best friend! (Actually, Oreo also claims something like Oreo is milk's best friend too, ;) Is milk a best friend fiend? ;) Also, my customers have said that Panettone is meant to be eaten with milk, so the fan who said ,"Milk's best friend! " Is spot on. :)

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My name is Donathan, pronounced the same way you pronounce Jonathan, except with a D. :D $608 for her brother's scooter. Fair is fair my ass. Being tough on Public Access TV is priceless.







Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 20 Dec 2017 at 2:57pm
I think I once ate too much fruitcake while drinking a 7-11 grape slurpee...seems I went on a puking frenzy.

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X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: Jimbo
Date Posted: 20 Dec 2017 at 4:10pm
Originally posted by Donathan Donathan wrote:

Actually, Panettone is a sort of fruit cake(Except it looks and tastes like a big muffin) and it is VERY popular in the Hispanic/ Latin community. The chocolate version is aptly named, "Chocottone," ;) My Walgreen's customers LOVE it. I sell loads of them in the holiday season and on the boxes themselves they have fans gushing about Panettone saying stuff like,"It's like a delicious big muffin! "Heaven with coffee!" Milk's best friend! (Actually, Oreo also claims something like Oreo is milk's best friend too, ;) Is milk a best friend fiend? ;) Also, my customers have said that Panettone is meant to be eaten with milk, so the fan who said ,"Milk's best friend! " Is spot on. :)


In Germany, at Christmas they eat something similar, called "Stollen" (pronounced shtullen).

It's more like a cross between a cake and a bread, with dried fruit pieces baked into it and glazed with fine, powdered confectionery sugar.



It comes in a couple of different styles, like cherry, butter and marzipan. I don't particularly like marzipan, but the cherry and butter kind are really good with coffee.

They sell it at Aldi's every Christmas season.



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Great news guys.... With the Air Hawk, flat balls are no longer a problem!!!


Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 20 Dec 2017 at 4:43pm
AngMcP may be the only person I would ever consider getting one of these things for...because he may be the ONE person who would properly appreciate it....
http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjXlNWfhJnYAhXGQ98KHfNdADsQjRwIBw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fedwarstiven.blogspot.com%2F2009%2F11%2Funa-fea-taza.html&psig=AOvVaw0bPaLiz2nIVoMVSghFbpfM&ust=1513874530462730" rel="nofollow">Related image


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X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 20 Dec 2017 at 4:48pm
Originally posted by Jimbo Jimbo wrote:



In Germany, at Christmas they eat something similar, called "Stollen" (pronounced shtullen).

It's more like a cross between a cake and a bread, with dried fruit pieces baked into it and glazed with fine, powdered confectionery sugar.



It comes in a couple of different styles, like cherry, butter and marzipan. I don't particularly like marzipan, but the cherry and butter kind are really good with coffee.

They sell it at Aldi's every Christmas season.

DeadMarzipan sounds better than it tastes and maybe that is why it is so rare in the US of A - an almond/honey/sugar combination that tastes like sweet cardboard.
Yum.


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X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 20 Dec 2017 at 4:54pm
Here's something for your little starving sniffling coughing crying tub of butter!
http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjB2PurhpnYAhUGMt8KHcs_DXYQjRwIBw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mirror.co.uk%2Fmoney%2Fkids-gift-ideas-christmas-2017-11620762&psig=AOvVaw1Xr950GrPh74f66VSCDYxa&ust=1513875058466552" rel="nofollow">Image result for very bad childrens gifts 2018 photos


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X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: i8acannibal
Date Posted: 20 Dec 2017 at 5:03pm
I love fruitcake! I guess that's because I am strange. Either way, if anyone here wants to send non drugged fruitcake to me, I'll give you my po box. Hell, some of you I'll give my home address... I never get fruitcake. I get gift cards to local restaurants.

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Say something clever here...

No, I'm too lazy. Imagine it yourself.


Posted By: aka ron
Date Posted: 20 Dec 2017 at 5:30pm
Originally posted by PaWolf PaWolf wrote:

AngMcP may be the only person I would ever consider getting one of these things for...because he may be the ONE person who would properly appreciate it....
http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjXlNWfhJnYAhXGQ98KHfNdADsQjRwIBw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fedwarstiven.blogspot.com%2F2009%2F11%2Funa-fea-taza.html&psig=AOvVaw0bPaLiz2nIVoMVSghFbpfM&ust=1513874530462730" rel="nofollow">Related image
LOL

I had one of these when I was a kid, I would not drink anything without my pistol mug.

https://postimages.org/" rel="nofollow">


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I can't complain but sometimes I still do.


Posted By: Jimbo
Date Posted: 20 Dec 2017 at 6:19pm
Originally posted by PaWolf PaWolf wrote:

AngMcP may be the only person I would ever consider getting one of these things for...because he may be the ONE person who would properly appreciate it....

http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjXlNWfhJnYAhXGQ98KHfNdADsQjRwIBw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fedwarstiven.blogspot.com%2F2009%2F11%2Funa-fea-taza.html&psig=AOvVaw0bPaLiz2nIVoMVSghFbpfM&ust=1513874530462730" rel="nofollow">

Related image


I would love to have one of those if my cupboard wasn't already overcrowded with glasses and mugs.

I usually drink my coffee out of one of these...





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Great news guys.... With the Air Hawk, flat balls are no longer a problem!!!


Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 20 Dec 2017 at 6:51pm
Winkol'Mule? Did you get those from the Tizzer himselfLOL? If he sees that post, maybe we will hear from him again.
I also have BOXES of coffee mugs - I have so many I can cover entire walls with them. The Missus tried to get me to 'Just Say No', but I'm SO WEAK!
However, with 8 million mugs (maybe a few less) and growing, I really only use ONE:


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X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: Thor
Date Posted: 20 Dec 2017 at 8:01pm
I once donated half a goat to an African village in my sister-in-law's name.  That was her Christmas gift.  I think she got some kind of embossed certificate for it. 
 
Worst gift ever.  LOL
 
 


Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 21 Dec 2017 at 11:42pm
Cry
I just could not stop and take the picture or I would have trashed the Wolfy-iM....but I'll TRY and 'paint the picture'...
 
Driving along the edge of The Swamp, one may encounter any number of home-made XMAS gifts and ideas being hawked on the side of many roads. There are all kinds of people around here and most folk wouldn't want to know 75% of them. Heck, *I* don't want to know 90% of these folks!
 
Sitting along the side of the road was a broken-down, early '70's Ford station wagon.
Hand-painted banner - all XMASy and what not.
 
'Christmas Oysters - FRESH!'
 
SantaWolf skipped the milk and puked on the side of the road....Dead


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X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: Jimbo
Date Posted: 22 Dec 2017 at 12:21am
Originally posted by PaWolf PaWolf wrote:

Sitting along the side of the road was a broken-down, early '70's Ford station wagon.
Hand-painted banner - all XMASy and what not.

'Christmas Oysters - FRESH!'

SantaWolf skipped the milk and puked on the side of the road....Dead


Oysters are not something one should buy out of a car from a stranger on the side of the road.



Not if eating them is part of the plan, anyway.


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Great news guys.... With the Air Hawk, flat balls are no longer a problem!!!


Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 22 Dec 2017 at 12:56am
Originally posted by Jimbo Jimbo wrote:

Originally posted by PaWolf PaWolf wrote:

Sitting along the side of the road was a broken-down, early '70's Ford station wagon.
Hand-painted banner - all XMASy and what not.

'Christmas Oysters - FRESH!'

SantaWolf skipped the milk and puked on the side of the road....Dead


Oysters are not something one should buy out of a car from a stranger on the side of the road.



Not if eating them is part of the plan, anyway.
Sick
 
Who the heck would want SWAMP OYSTERS out of the back of some ol' broken down station wagon?
Crack 'em open and see red & green?!Dead
Handled by some ol' boy who probably has toes that need a suckin' by someone who has a choice between toeclamjam or 2 years in jail....


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X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: Thor
Date Posted: 23 Dec 2017 at 10:24am
Just saw these things at work yesterday.  Miniature Walmart baskets with toy food inside.  Can't decide if this would be a bad gift or the best gift ever.  LOL
 
https://postimg.org/image/4ibybgm87/" rel="nofollow">
 
 


Posted By: Jimbo
Date Posted: 23 Dec 2017 at 1:12pm
Originally posted by Thor Thor wrote:

Just saw these things at work yesterday.  Miniature Walmart baskets with toy food inside.  Can't decide if this would be a bad gift or the best gift ever.  LOL

https://postimg.org/image/4ibybgm87/" rel="nofollow">


Not sure if that could be called a clever or a sneaky way to advertise the Walmart brand, not only to parents, but to kids as well, who they seem to be brainwashing into good little shoppers and consumers.

If they'd sell the mini basket by itself without the plastic garbage inside, I wouldn't mind having one or maybe two, to keep junk in.




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Great news guys.... With the Air Hawk, flat balls are no longer a problem!!!


Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 24 Dec 2017 at 3:50pm
Small Pecker Condoms
            
https://www.amazon.com/dgp-SG041-Small-Pecker-Condoms/dp/B007XRAN0K/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_121_t_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=F98G0KVXB0DBEWZRZ07G" rel="nofollow - https://www.amazon.com/dgp-SG041-Small-Pecker-Condoms/product-reviews/B007XRAN0K/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_121_cr_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=F98G0KVXB0DBEWZRZ07G" rel="nofollow - - - - 22
$4.24
https://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/B007XRAN0K/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_121_t_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=F98G0KVXB0DBEWZRZ07G" rel="nofollow - $4.24
 


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X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike


Posted By: Jimbo
Date Posted: 24 Dec 2017 at 4:25pm
Originally posted by PaWolf PaWolf wrote:

Small Pecker Condoms


While PaW may get a supply of those ^^ in *his* Christmas stocking,

*I* actually received the one in the pic below as a gift, many years ago:

Front of package:



(Text at bottom: "Not a real condom you idiot! Do not use for sex. May cause severe hair loss in pubic region.")

Back of package:



Can't believe I kept the thing all these years...



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Great news guys.... With the Air Hawk, flat balls are no longer a problem!!!


Posted By: aka ron
Date Posted: 24 Dec 2017 at 4:47pm
Who's your daddy??




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I can't complain but sometimes I still do.


Posted By: PaWolf
Date Posted: 24 Dec 2017 at 4:54pm
^^^Confusedol'Mule? What is that monstrosity made of? Razor wire-covered Lamby-skin?Cry 
What prison were you in when you 'received' it?Wink
I guess in the 'Season of Giving', that would present an opportunity to 'give'?
Are there instructions that read, "Lubricate with Extra-Virgin Olive Oil before 'First Use' "?
 
~~~
In reference to MY 'stocking stuffer'...
"...she always told me I was HER 'Shorty' and *I* thought that was cool! Now that she's gone, I finally understand the meaning...who put those in my stocking, anyway?"Cry(LOL}


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X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike



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