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MrTim
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Scientists discover new planet 300 light years from Earth, have named it "Beer"; Large, possibly watery, planet is same color as a glass full of draft beer, even has 'froth' at both poles; Deep space expedition being planned
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MrTim
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Bloomberg makes showing at Democrat debate; Would have been more prominent, but nobody could find phone books he could stand on, as they aren't made anymore
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MrTim
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New danger in Florida as Spring approaches; Warm weather bringing out massive snake orgies, monty pythons most to be feared
https://www.foxnews.com/us/florida-snake-orgy-forces-park-closure |
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MrTim
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Rezoning fight against funeral home as it tries to expand; "The cemetery is located in the middle of our neighborhood, there's going to be an increase in traffic" said one resident
['stolen' from a real story... ] |
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MrTim
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Rare medical condition allows woman to ferment alcohol in her bladder; So far, no volunteers for taste test
https://www.sciencealert.com/doctors-report-the-first-known-case-of-a-woman-who-urinates-alcohol |
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MrTim
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Game show hosts found to be the best liars; The ability to feign enthusiasm for a contestant they detest and really wish will lose is a highly developed skill, say researchers
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MrTim
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Due to Leap Year, National Streaking Day to fall on April 1st this year; "Participants still have plenty of time to plan their routes and set up clothing stashes" say organizers
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MrTim
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Chris Matthews suprises MSNBC by "retiring" live on air, citing #MeToo style allegations about his behavior; Rumors of sharing two hookers on a helicopter flight "probably not true"
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MrTim
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Bloomberg wins Democrat primary in Samoa! Billionaire bought the islands just last week, expects to acquire Rhode Island soon as well
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MrTim
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Legal experts say your sex robot could sexually assault you, and get away with the crime; Even more alarming, you could be the one arrested for #MeToo allegations of non-consensual sex
https://brasspills.com/expert-fears-future-sex-robots-will-engage-in-sexual-assault/ |
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MrTim
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Slow news night, or shameless ratings grab? TV networks trying to cash in by exaggerating Corona virus "You're all gonna die!" panic
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MrTim
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Local stores selling hand sanitizer at 80 bucks a bottle? Learn how to make your own using bleach and sex lube in our "Corona Virus Tips" feature that airs after your Local Weather coverage!
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MrTim
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Corona virus now infecting through computers; Users warned to not get too close to their computer monitors or smart phones while talking to other, possibly infected, people on their screens; Risk of getting infected through your TV from all the coverage also high
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MrTim
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Due to Corona virus panic, NCAA to hold March Madness basketball games without fans in the stands; But, say officials, it's not like anybody attended the games anyways
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MrTim
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UPDATE! NBA cancels basketball season; Vendors selling $12 beer and $6 bags of peanuts hardest hit
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MrTim
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Wuhan Virus Update: Massive runs on buying guns & ammo after toilet paper supply sells out; Also, largest baby boom in history expected 9 months from now due to stay-at-home orders
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MrTim
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The Run on Toilet Paper Explained: Toilet paper has some of the same filtering abilities as the higher quality air filter masks; Experts warn, however, not to duct tape TP to your face
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MrTim
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Disney confirms: Sneezy the Dwarf is out; Long-time Snow White character let go due to Coronavirus concerns, possible contagion threat to guests
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MrTim
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FaceBook and Twitter to enact "social distancing" rules; "Posters should maintain at least 6 feet of separation from other posts to reduce the chances of virus exposure"
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MrTim
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US gov't officials issue Corona virus warning: If a person in a HazMat suit wants to check your temperature with a rectal thermometer, they are NOT from the CDC
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MrTim
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Due to Corona virus fears, Purge Day has been canceled this year; Americans still sheltering-in-place though, as it makes good practice
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MrTim
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Marijuana businesses still in operation during virus pandemic, having been deemed “essential services” that must remain open; However, many people taking up indoor gardening while being forced to stay home -wink wink-
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MrTim
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Positive side to virus pandemic discovered: Telemarketer calls down 90% due to closing of call centers; However, tech support & help lines have also closed down
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MrTim
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Pandemic forcing millions to fend for themselves; Desperate for sustenance, quarantiners who are unable to cook are relying on microwavable macaroni and little cans of cat food
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MrTim
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World Health Organization urging people to wear clean underwear; During a pandemic emergency, they can be worn as a face mask
also, pun alert: https://nypost.com/2020/04/01/massive-blaze-wipes-out-load-of-toilet-paper-in-texas/ |
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