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MrTim
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UCF-led observatory gets grant that could boost hunt for aliens; ICE replies "We appreciate that very much! Every little bit helps our efforts!"
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MrTim
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Census results find that Canadians' career futures are bleak; Most either find work as extras on American-made TV shows or are used for medical testing
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MrTim
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The word "vagina" deemed too "triggering" and discriminating for Trans people without actual vaginas; Trans activists now want women to call their vajayjays "the front hole"
https://pjmedia.com/trending/move-over-vagina-make-room-for-trans-inclusive-front-hole/ CMTSU |
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MrTim
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Nabisco to release their animal crackers from cages; Changes made due to theatened bad PR from chronically shiftless PETA activists
https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2018/aug/21/nabisco-caves-peta-pressure-frees-animal-crackers-/ |
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MrTim
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Feeling strangely out of sorts on some days? Identity thieves can not only steal your personal information, they can also change your gender
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MrTim
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Waterbed industry going down the drain; Fear of drowning puts most people off purchase
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MrTim
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Pope starting to suspect he may be the Anti-Christ; Satan opines "You're making a good effort, but you still have quite a ways to go yet"
https://babylonbee.com/news/pope-starting-to-suspect-he-might-be-antichrist/ |
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MrTim
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Jeffrey Toobin: "Antifa is widely perceived as an African-American organization."; Fact checkers: "Antifa is mostly white people wearing black clothes and masks. That's not their skin color!"
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MrTim
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The link text says it all. And remember, this is Summer...
http://tammybruce.com/2018/08/arctic-expedition-to-raise-awareness-of-global-warming-evacuated-due-to-excessive-ice.html |
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MrTim
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Groundhog predictions found to be more accurate than climate models; Florida groundhogs also exceptional at predicting hurricanes
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MrTim
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Common Core sex ed fail reported; Lesbian teens getting pregnant at twice the rate of their peers
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MrTim
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New Zealand pledging to wipe out all invasive mammals by 2050; NZ gov't estimates it will only take 3 years to get rid of all the humans, but is expecting most to leave before then
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MrTim
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Nike names Colin Kaepernick as new spokesperson; Nike marketing department also says that "wearing Nike shoes increases your chances of getting away when running from the police"
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MrTim
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Survey finds that most believe that people who wear moustaches "have something to hide"; Also, that people with beards "are overcompensating for a lack of something"
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MrTim
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Revealed: The Secret Wonder Food that can change your life and even make you look younger! Eating two bags of pork rinds can heal your skin problems, and even reduce wrinkles!
Disclaimer: These claims have not been verified or approved by the FDA |
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MrTim
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It's After Labor Day Weekend, Now What Will You Wear? Fashion experts say to don short shorts and wifebeater T's before the cold weather sets in
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MrTim
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Due to the recent new changes in the Miss America Pageant, the contest will be moving to radio; Organizers say, however, that the bikini contest will be back, as well as an all nude modelling competition
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MrTim
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Breaking News: Florence now contains sharks; New reports from NOAA aircraft show that sharks have been lifted into the hurricane, which will drop them as it makes landfall
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Angry McPisseron
Honor Roll Formerly AngryMcPisseron Joined: 20 Apr 2008 Location: Fresno CA. Status: Offline Points: 13345 |
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Research dating back as far as 1979 shows that adolescent male residents of the Juneau Receiving Home tend to uranate behind the outdoor dipsty-dumpster more than into the toilets inside the structure; additionally they're also inclined to step in glass from hundreds of broken light bulbs left behind the same dumpster by two particular ex-residents.
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MrTim
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Bothered by ghosts? Ghost hunters can show you 4 different ways to use a vacuum cleaner to suck them right out of your house, just like in Ghostbusters! Story at 11!
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MrTim
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Residents of Florida urged to evacuate, not because of hurricane, but just because it's Florida; Happily, most of them can ing go back to the ing states they came from, say native Floridians
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MrTim
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In an effort to deter sex predators, colleges and universities are recommending that Very Intoxicated Females wear a Chastity Belt; The more advanced of these devices can be unlocked with a security app, and even come in thong versions
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MrTim
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International agreement reached to phase out caps lock from keyboards by 2020; Concensus is that typing in all caps "is just rude" and hardly ever an accident
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MrTim
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NYC Transit Authority finds solutions to subway overcrowding and bad service: Too many people are using the subway, so they should walk instead, as "the exercise would do them some good"
https://www.wsj.com/articles/new-york-citys-subways-are-slow-crowded-and-smellyofficials-say-the-real-problem-is-you-1537544194 |
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MrTim
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Another "Careful What You Say!" warning issued: Calling out "Say cheese!" when taking photos of those who are lactose intolerant may cause them intestinal distress
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