Charmin Bears and SKIDMARKS!

Here are a couple of "TV battles" that feature the Snuggles laundry bear and the Charmin shiitting bears:

 

This event shall take place in a public laundry room, equipped with 10 washers, 10 dryers, a soap vending machine, an automatic bill changer, and 1 utility sink; and a small restroom equipped with 1 washbasin, 1 wall-mounted porcelain urinal, 1 toilet bowl with cistern & standard flush mechanism, and several meters of handicapped railing. 

The Snuggles Bear takes a *very* early lead, taking home field advantage. He quickly grabs some Bounce dryer sheets and shoves them down Steve's throat, watering them in with a bottle of Snuggle. Steve quickly gags and chokes, expelling the toxic laundry waste, and goes right for the computerized coin changer. "DAMMIT, THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN A DELL!" he curses, as he rips the machine open with a conveniently placed tire iron. He pulls out a bundle of wire, and goes after Snuggle Bear with it. But the little stub-footed bear is too quick for Steve, so he heads back to the changer and grabs a few rolls of quarters. He quickly rifles through somebody's laundry tub and steals a sock, into which he deposits two rolls of quarters. He charges after Snuggles once more, clocking him right in the gut with the sock weapon. The diminutive little bear goes flying, and smashes right through the front glass of a soap vending machine. Snuggles grabs a single-use box of Tide With Bleach out of the smashed machine, rips the top off, and peppers Steve right in the eyes with the burning powder! Steve staggers over to the utility sink and quickly douches out his stinging eyes. He spies a mop bucket with a soured mop in it. "Maybe later" he thinks. Steve reaches under the sink and rips the pee trap out of the wall, and once again goes after Snuggles with it. Time for a little hockey action. Down the center, around the folding table, and under the ironing board he goes. Smack! Down goes the ironing board, hot irons clattering across the floor. "Missed me, Dell Fag!" says the little bear. This infuriates Steve, so he throws the pee trap as hard as he can at the bear, missing again. But he did manage to punch the little pipe right through the front of a washer, causing it to spew suds and hot water ALL OVER Snuggles!!!

Steve then grabs one of the fallen irons and plants it firmly on Snuggle's cheek. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSsssssssss goes the hot iron, leaving a black, iron-shaped scorch mark right on Snuggles' face. The newly-tattooed Snuggles scampers behind the smashed washer and tears the drain hose out of the wall, then starts beating the living sh*t out of Steve with it. "YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT A FUKKING DELL!!" says Snuggles in that high-pitched F46607Y voice, as he's giving Steve a thorough ass beating with the rubber washing machine hose. Steve barely manages to escape, and locks himself in the bathroom. Who would have known Snuggles had a fukking key?!? Within minutes, the doorknob starts to turn, and there stands Snuggles, madder than a piss ant and holding up a pair of seriously menstruated women's panties. Steve backs away in terror of the dirty underwear, then picks up a toilet brush and swats the soiled panties into the toilet. He quickly ducks out of the bathroom and goes for that soured mop. Like a jousting knight, he dashes headlong into the bathroom, and uses the filthy smelly mop to smack Snuggles over and over and over again. Soon, Snuggles is so fukking filthy and smelly and gross, nobody can stand it anymore - and neither can Snuggles himself. He curls up behind the toilet. Oh, this is too perfect. Steve rips off two sections of the handicap railing from around the toilet, and uses them like chopsticks to pick up the filthy stinky bear and throw him in the toliet. With a flick of the silver handle, the bear goes round and round. Damn, it isn't going down. Steve picks up the toilet plunger and starts furiously pumping at the bowl, joyously yelling "HASTA LA VISTA SNUGGLES, DOWN THE SHIITBOWL YOU GO!! 

 

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This battle shall take place on the floor of the Charmin toilet paper factory; and a bit later, move to the woods just adjacent to that factory. The factory is equipped with what you'd expect to find in a factory that makes toilet tissue: a number of conveyor belts in different speeds, vats of steaming wood pulp, large ovens for drying the wood pulp, machines that cut the perforations in the finished toilet rolls, and machines that put plastic wrapping over 2, 4, 6, 8, and 9 rolls at a time. There is also a large "test" bathroom equipped with 35 American Standard Neorest 500 Elongated One Piece Tankless Toliets with Integrated Washlet* (a "Washlet" is a type of bidet) and 70 rolls of Charmin Extra Strong with Butt Pillows. 

The contestants do not necessarily have to ***USE*** everything here, but they are at their disposal if needed -- or if desired. 

The Charmin Shiitting Bears take first blood in this grudge match by simply going into the test bathroom and hurling many of the Charmin toilet rolls directly at the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, but since they're light in weight (they're rolls of toilet tissue for Christ sakes!!!), they simply bounce harmlessly off the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and roll away. 

The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man goes on the attack next...it tears bits off its body, wads those bitches up, put them in a drinking straw, puts the straw in his mouth, exhales sharply, and tries to fire them at the Charmin Shiitting Bears...but since these wads are MARSHMALLOW for heaven sakes, they too are light in weight and simply bounce harmlessly off the sh*tting Bears. 

The Shiitting Bears live up to their namesake, and really have to drop stools (pinch loaves, lay logs, make doo-doos, take dumps, take shiits, etc.) so they defecate into their hands and throw the stinky piles of bear shiit (some of the piles are colored reddish; others bluish, depending on which bear made them) directly at the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man!!! 

The piles of ursine feces whiz by his head one after another...but one of them grazes the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's leg just above the ankle, forcing it to amputate the affected foot or forever be a stinker!!! 

The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is really pissed now, so it shiits into a little plastic bag (he doesn't want to besmudge his hands with feces!), holds the bag by the bottom, and launches the sticky poo directly at the Shiitting Bears...***SPLAT!!!*** Got the big red one!!! The Shiitting Bear that got nailed by the Stay Puft poo starts to become swollen and distended, soon explodes, and becomes worm food!!! The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man simply now needs to wipe out the blue one and he'll be victorius!!! Who knew that poo could be such a powerful thing?!? 

The one remaining Charmin sh*tting Bear (the blue one) tries to escape by running into the wooded area adjacent to the Charmin factory, but the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man not-so-stealthily follows it. The sh*tting Bear's only real weapon is its shiit, so it once again pooes into its hand and starts throwing the stinky piles at the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. But they all miss; and the only thing that happens are that swarms of flies descend upon the little piles of shiit. 

In the background, you can hear part of the King of the Hill episode "Meet the Propaniacs" where Hank Hill tells Charlie Fortner, "The baby asked you for a diaper, mister pee-pee poo-poo pants!".

Guess some asshat that lives nearby has their boob tube turned up ***WAY*** too loudly!!! :-O 

The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, realising that its poo is rather powerful, again defecates into a plastic bread bag it found at the perimeter of the toilet paper factory, holds it by the bottom, and lets 'er rip...

The marshmallow poo whizzes through the air...the blue Charmin Shiitting Bear says (in that stereotypical low, very slowed-down voice}, "Ooooooooo Noooooooooooooooo!!!!" followed by the sound of feces hitting animal fur!!! 

Success again!!!

The Charmin Shiitting Bear becomes swollen and distended, explodes, and becomes worm food!!! 

* The toilets are equipped with Washlets in the event that one or more of the the testers find the toilet paper ineffectual; they can wash their bunghole with the Washlet and then pull up their drawers with relative confidence that their asses are poop-free.